Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home team. Discharged with honour.
Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up best friend while try to teech him innocent & friendly game of pinocle. Hanged because poor.
Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent & friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in Mattywan with French chef.
Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, giving rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal discount in Court of Peals.
Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice of husband who was a first offense.
Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias “Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he will come back, please, and be electrocuted.
Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent & friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged by Judge who also love dogs.
When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of horble crimes he become seriously Japanese.
“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between America & England because of a mere feet-race?”