I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more better telephone service between Here and Hereafter than between San Francisco and Oakland.
An eminent surgery of Columbus University have invent new species of laughter-gas call “electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might be pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell me. Hon. Patience will be in bed dreaming of something different while everything is removed. Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create calm which is followed by whatever knifing is necessary to create a good-healthy. Absent treatment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf wire.
Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty Machine which can discover prevaricus Liars by clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth of one poor malefactor what is telling his testimonial to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor say truth Hon. Machine remain very polite about it; but when he say lie, then Hon. Machine is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. Machine have not yet been experimented on mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be took to White House soonly. Some says it will not be necessary there.
One machinery of name called “gyroscope” is very immediately to revolutionize in circles. This wonderful whirler can be put on any railroad train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them train proceed along on one wheel. Irish gentleman what invent that gyroscope promise for it to do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad, including accidents, collisions, rebating, lobbying & Pullman porters. Hon. Harriman will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, because they will be run on one rail. Railroads with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as much by Interstate Commerce Commission.
This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problemb of Mechanical Flight have been solved by Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & Ben F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no longer consider in vogy. Hotter-than-air machines is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, breaking New Jersey record & machine. Hon. Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes and travel from Panama Canal to Philippine Tariff, landing with considerable jar on the Administration. This break Congressional record.
Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure cure for cancer by moonlight ray. If this do not discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons it can be used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. This is a very positive remedy which have only been known to fail in cases where persons has really got cancer.
Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick renovations discover by me in this morning press. I am not doubtful that I could found a great number of more by looking in more yellow colour of news. Science advances, Mr. Sir, according to speed of paper for which you subscribe to.
In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules Verne, who write polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin by subway & annexation of America to Africa by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. Verne is consider one very truthful old gentleman, but too slow & quiet about telling facts. Any Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover more exciting scientifick news for morning edition would be suppressed for lack of talents & put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column.
Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. Editor, and I am congratulate on it. Christians is very skeptic about believing that Hon. World are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. But if extra edition of Morning Bagpipe should make red-tipe announcement: