“How shocky!” I gasp. “By such sinful statistick America must be going to doggly bow-wow!” (Howels from O-Fido.)
“Can not some patriots do something to make more votes for Election Day?” are next queery I ask.
“Many of them do,” say he. “Many persons votes 5 or 6 times eech election to make fatter ballet-box.”
“Such noble patriots should receive at least 1 Carnegie meddle,” I lapse.
“They should, but do they?” are repose he say. “There will be much gladness of rejoicing shot off in this Hon. City for Election Night,” he add for information.
“I read by newspaper this morning how Election of either Candidates would be cause for great national mourning,” I reckon.
“You read the wrong paper,” say Hon. Smutz. “When announcement of new President are made entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of July will shoot through. What patriots are not already in saloons will be tied together in magnificent blockade on streets mixed with brass bands, tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It’s-Over Marching Clubs, automobile axidents & other demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musick-waggons will ocasionally sonter by with all office-seekers trying to get on at once. Maddy yalls from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board announce that another doubtful State has gone Republickan, as usual. Rockets. Occasional fights to make everybody completely cheerful. Fire-engines go by to some joyful blaze. Telegrams arrive. Romp-girls dance along with tickle feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President are flashy to screen. Bells go off confused by whissles & drumcore exploded by throats of 1,000,000 yalling Americans.”
“And what next?” I enquire patiently.
“Following this,” say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic Police, “following this are complete silence for 4 years.”