At that time there was talk of forming an Army of 2 hundred thousand men, so I said, “we are going to have an Army of 2 hundred thousand men. Mr. Ford makes 3 hundred thousand Cars every year. I think, Mr. President, we ought to at least have a Man to every Car.” “See where they got Villa hemmed in between the Atlantic and Pacific. Now all we got to do is to stop up both ends.” “Pershing located him at a Town called, Los Quas Ka Jasbo. Now all we have to do is to locate Los Quas Ka Jasbo.” “I see by a headline that Villa escapes Net and Flees. We will never catch him then. Any Mexican that can escape Fleas is beyond catching.” “But we are doing better toward preparedness now, as one of my Senators from Oklahoma has sent home a double portion of Garden Seed.”
After various other ones on Mexico I started in on European affairs which at that time was long before we entered the war. “We are facing another Crisis tonight, but our President here has had so many of them lately that he can just lay right down and sleep beside one of those things.”
Then I first pulled the one which I am proud to say he afterwards repeated to various friends as the best one told on him during the War. I said, “President Wilson is getting along fine now to what he was a few months ago. Do you realize, People, that at one time in our negotiations with Germany that he was 5 Notes behind?”
How he did laugh at that! Well, due to him being a good fellow and setting a real example, I had the proudest and most successful night I ever had on the stage. I had lots of Gags on other subjects but the ones on him were the heartiest laughs with him, and so it was on all the other occasions I played for him. He come back Stage at intermission and chatted and shook hands with all.
Some time I would like to tell of things he laughed at during the most serious stages of the Great War. Just think there were hundreds of millions of Human Beings interested directly in that terrible War, and yet out of all of them he stands, 5 years after it’s over, as the greatest man connected with it. What he stood for and died for, will be strived after for years.
But it will take time for with all our advancement and boasted Civilization, it’s hard to stamp out selfishness and Greed. For after all, Nations are nothing but Individuals, and you can’t stop even Brothers from fighting sometimes. But he helped it along a lot. And what a wonderful cause to have laid down your life for! The World lost a Friend. The Theatre lost its greatest supporter. And I lost the most distinguished Person who ever laughed at my little nonsensical jokes. I looked forward to it every year. Now I have only to look back on it as my greatest memory.
A JOB WITH THE JAMES FAMILY
I COULD JUST SORTER NONCHALANTLY STEP ON THE BRIDE’S TRAIN.