A Young Lady having lately buried her Husband, whom she call’d Old Simon, ordered a Carver to make her a Statue of Wood, as near his Figure as he could, which was laid by her Side every Night in remembrance of him. In the mean time, a young Gentleman that had a great Passion for her, by the Intercession of some Guineas, prevail’d with her Maid to lay him one Night in the place of Old Simon. The Widow went to Bed, and after her usual manner cast her Arms over her dear Husband’s Statue, and finding it very warm, she crept closer and closer to it, till at length they came very close together, by which she perceiv’d it was not her Wooden Bed Fellow. In the Morning the Maid call’d at her Chamber-door, as she us’d to do, Madam, What will you please to have for Dinner? She reply’d, Rost the Turky that was brought in Yesterday, Boil a Leg of Mutton and Colley-flowers, and get a good Dish of Fruit. Madam, says the Maid, we have not Wood enough to dress so much Meat. If not, reply’d she, you may burn Old Simon.
155 Le Troc de la Veuve.
UNe jeune Dame, qui venoit d’enterrer son Mari, qu’elle appelloit le vieux Simon, commanda à un Statuaire de lui faire une Statuë de Bois aussi ressemblante qu’il pourroit, laquelle elle faisoit mettre toutes les nuits à son côté, pour se souvenir de lui. Cependant un jeune Gentilhomme qui l’aimoit passionnément, gagna si bien sa Servante par l’entremise de ses Guinées, qu’elle le mit une nuit en la place du vieux Simon. La Veuve s’alla coucher, & selon sa coutume embrassa la Statuë de son cher Mari, & la trouvant fort chaude, elle s’en approcha davantage, jusqu’à ce que s’ètant embrassez fort étroitement, elle s’apperceut que ce n’ètoit point son homme de Bois. La Matin, sa Servante vint à la porte de la Chambre selon sa coutume, & lui demanda ce qu’elle souhaitoit avoir à diner? A quoi elle répondit, Fais rotir le Dindon qu’on apporta hier, & bouillir un Gigot de Mouton avec des choux fleurs, & achete nous un bon plat de Fruit, Madame, dit la Servante, nous n’avons pas assez de Bois pour apprêter tant de Viandes. Et bien, repliqua-t-elle, vous n’avez qu’à bruler le vieux Simon.
156 The Foolish Confession.
A Simple Fellow in Lombardy, had a great Love to a young Maid, as he thought she was, and that they might live peaceably and quietly together, he thought of this Expedient; one day he told her, that it was his full intent to marry her, and to prevent future Quarrels, he said, he would tell her all the Secrets of his Heart, that their Alliance might be the stronger. Among many other things, he told her, That in the Heat of his Youth, he got a Son on a Friend of his, which Friend was yet living, and desir’d her not to take it amiss. No, no, said she, I am very well pleas’d, for a Friend of mine got me with Child, and it is a Daughter; and if you intend to fortify our Alliance, it may be done with another Marriage, between your Son and my Daughter.
156 L’aveu Indiscret.
UN Idiot en Lombardie, ètoit fort amoureux d’une Fille qu’il croyoit être Pucelle; & afin de vivre en paix & en bonne amitié avec elle, il s’avisa de cét expedient; un jour il lui dit qu’il avoit resolu de l’épouser, & que pour éviter toutes sortes de querelles à l’avenir, il vouloit lui dire tous ses Secrets, afin de rendre par la leur Alliance plus ferme: Entre autres choses, il lui dit, que dans la Chaleur de sa jeunesse il avoit fait un Garçon à une de ses amies, laquelle ètoit encore en vie, & qu’il la prioit que cela ne lui fit point de peine. Non, non, dit elle, j’en suis fort contente, car un de mes Amis m’a fait une Fille, & si vous voulez fortifier nôtre Alliance, nous pouvons le faire par un autre Mariage de vôtre Fils avec ma Fille.
157 The Gascon punish’d.
A Young Widow, rich and beautiful, was belov’d by a young Gascon; both poor and proud. This Gascon had a mind to be thought very intimate with the Lady, and boasted of more Favours than he receiv’d. The Lady, who lov’d to be Merry, resolv’d to punish him for it after a new manner: I know, said she to him, you have an Affection for me, and doubt not but you will give me proofs of it upon an Occasion that now offers it self. The Gascon assur’d her he was ready to do any thing to serve her. You know, added the Widow, such a Lady of my Acquaintance, who has a Cross and Jealous Man to her Husband, that will never give her leave to lie abroad; now it is necessary, for some private Reasons, that she should lie with me to Night; and what I desire of you, is to lie in her place, that her Husband, who will come home late, finding you in his Bed, may take you to be his Wife: And as he rises earlier than she, to go about his Business, he will take no notice of any thing; for though he be Jealous of his Wife, he seldom disturbs her Rest at Night. The Gascon consented to every thing, and suffer’d himself to be carried to his Mistress’s Friend; they dress’d his Head in Womens Night-Cloaths, and afterwards he laid himself in the Bed of the Jealous Husband, who the young Lady knew would not be at home that Night. The two Ladies left the Gascon alone in Bed, and a little while after the young Widow came in in her Night Gown, and without a Light, and went to Bed to him. The Gascon, who took her for the Jealous Husband, was in great Pain and Trouble; he lay extreamly close, and turning his Back to the young Widow, put himself as near the other side of the Bed as possible. Thus he spent a whole Night more restless and uneasy than any in his Life, being still apprehensive of some preposterous Caresses from the Jealous Husband; but his Trouble increas’d when at break of Day, the young Widow rung a Bell, at the noise of which he heard some body coming into the Room; he cover’d his Head with the Bed-Cloaths, and such was his fear of being known, that he wish’d he could have buried himself in the Bed. Now ’twas the Widow’s Friend that came in, and open’d the Curtains, and at that very instant the Widow rose from Bed adorn’d with all her natural Beauties, which made almost the Gascon die with Regret, Spite, and Shame, for making such ill use of so favourable a Night.
FINIS.