POLITICIANS
"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of Padded Cell No. 44.
"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he really tried to carry out his campaign pledges," replied the attendant.—Judge.
"Do you find public office an easy berth?"
"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth," said Senator Sorghum, thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into comfortably, and still harder to get out of gracefully."
Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent,
Was at first quite unable to say what he meant;
But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead,
Once he saw that he never need mean what he said.
"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics," mused Senator Sorghum.
"Why?"
"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but a politician never quits."
In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the men.
In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for sheriff against a man named Jones. One evening just before election Smith rode up to the barn-yard of an old farmer. The farmer was milking a cow and was having difficulty with a lusty calf that continually tried to "butt in." The candidate, to gain the favor of the farmer, took the calf between his legs and held it until the milking was done. He then introduced himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate for sheriff of the county. I suppose you know the man who's running against me?"
The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do. He's in the house now, holding the baby."—Everybody's.
"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted lieutenant.
"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm going to turn around and agree with them."
"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?"
"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come around and explain some of 'em to me."
"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired the Professor.
"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?"
"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected this statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the men behind the guns."
"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery.
"What is your opinion of relativity?"
"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum.
"Then you understand it thoroughly?"
"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughly everything I approved of I should have transacted considerable less political business."
"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of the candidate.
"Perhaps it is better so."
"That's the better way to look at it."
"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with all the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred living relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than half of them."
See also Public speakers.