The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

by William Makepeace Thackeray; Gilbert Abbott À Beckett; Henry Mayhew; Horace Mayhew; Albert Smith

HUMBUGGUM ASTROLOGICUM, PRO ANNO 1835.

VOX MULTORUM, VOX STULTORUM: The Voice of the Many is the Voice of a Zany.—It brawleth at all Places and Seasons.

Courteous Reader,

Stepping in the steps of my late worthy and much-lamented Prototype, Francis Moore, deceased, I herewith present you with my Hieroglyphic, "adapted to the Times." "Its interpretation is in the womb of time," and those who do pry with curious eyes into the mysteries of the stars, will, in due season, divine the hidden meaning thereof. Yet may I observe, that by the rules of art, I have discovered, that a fiery planet, which has been for some time located in the upper house, and has been for a long while lord of the ascendant, has come in fiery opposition with Scorpio; while Taurus hath flung a quartile ray at both of them.

MARCH.

1835.]		MARCH.
		I fear I am a Sinner lost,
		For often do I pray,—
		That I could read, in Times or Post,
		The death of Lady Day.
M	Season's	Odd Matters.	WEATHER.
D	Signs.
1	Shrove
			I suspend
2	tide	MARCH WINDS.
			☌ ☉ ♄ ♃ ♊
3	fritter	Come, Bully March! and show your blustering face;
	fried	I'll give you blow for blow, to your disgrace.	my
		You take advantage of us Fleet Street sinners,	predictions
5	Nan	While the police are gone to get their dinners.
		From Racket Court you rush, with such a rattle,	♅ ☊ ♌ ♑
6	makes	As makes the Lumber troopers fear a battle.
			on the
7	pan-	Oh! what fun, by the Bolt-in-tun,
		As your windy highness passes;	weather
8	cakes	D'ye hear a crash? There's a window-sash
		Made multiplying glasses.
9	batter		♓ ☊
		And now you come again from Chanc'ry Lane,
10	clatter	Where "Law" and "Assurance" guard Old Dunstan's fane.	this month,
		(Old Dunstan, did I say?—young Dunstan now,
11	spatter	As many a heavy parish rate will show.)	♂ ☿ ☉ ☽
		See how you raise a riot and a rout,
12	sky	Tossing old women's petticoats about;	because I
		Hats, capes, and umbrellas round you scatter,
13	high	Till good Saint Bridget wonders what's the matter.	shall be able
14	toss	Ah, che gust-o! what a dusto!
		Blowing, growing, as it flies.	♂ ♌ ♑ ♓ ♄
15	in the	Lime and mortar show no quarter,
		Ramming, cramming, ears and eyes.	to tell more
16	pan
		They say your dust is gold; so, little fear	correctly
17	high	Of growing poor; we'll roll in riches here;
		Then blow up, March! our sapient parish powers	♎ ♐ ♏ ♀
18	as	Ne'er think of water till the April showers.
			next year;
19	you
			and
20	can
			moreover,
21	toss
22	them		⊕ ♃
23	higher		my readers
24	fat		can
25	in the		♌ ♂ ♓ ♄ ☊
26	fire		exercise
27	soot
			their own
28	must
29	splash		judgments
30	crash		♂ ☽ ♊ ☿
31	ash		thereupon.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT;
or,
THE SETTLING DAY.

It was a drear November morn; the rain was pouring fast;

I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last;

And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say:

I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is "Settling Day."

If I don't stand for shelter here, I shall be wetted thro';

I at the Stock Exchange shall be black-boarded if I do:

And while I thus was fidgetting, the sun shot forth a ray;

And then I hoped to be in time all for the "Settling Day."

The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go,

When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe:

She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say:

"To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis 'Settling Day.'"

"Good lady," I began to say, "my time is very short,"—

And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught.

"Oh! listen to your Grandmother! for she has much to say,"—

(She surely held me by some spell, although 'twas "Settling Day.")

"From morn till eve I wander forth; I roam like one distraught;

"Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught.

"The good old times are quite forgot; all things do fade away;

"And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry: ''tis Settling Day.'

"'Twas in the Court of Chancery I oft did take my nap;

"And many doubting Chancellors I've dandled in my lap;

"But now the Broom, that sweeps the room, it brushes me away;

"And says, for me, and all such crones, it is the 'Settling Day.'

"'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when Billy Pitt was young;

"I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue.

"They us'd to sit from night till morn; and how they talk'd away!

"But now they sit from morn till night: oh! what a 'Settling Day!'

"They've London pull'd about one's ears; 'tis London now no more;

"They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street; behind is now before;

"They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross; the Mews has pass'd away,

"And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain: 't has had its 'Settling Day.'

"St. Dunstan's Church they've built anew; oh! what a Gothic feat!

"The Savages, who beat the Bells, have beaten a retreat;

"They've built another London Bridge; the old one's clear'd away;

"For such destructive knaves I wish a speedy 'Settling Day.'

"The Watchmen mustn't cry the hour, nor in their boxes snore;

"Their occupation's gone, and time with them is now no more.

"They tell me, too, the little Sweeps no more must 'Soot, ho!' say:

"I hope for such black deeds there'll come a sweeping 'Settling Day.'

"Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret;

"They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt;

"And next, alas! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay,

"For ev'ry man will get his own upon the 'Settling Day.'

"I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York;

"And slow and stately did we ride; it was a three days' work;

"But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say,

"To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a 'Settling Day.'

"I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon,

"To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon.

"When folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray,

"That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a 'Settling Day.'

"That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore;

"I fear it killed poor St. John Long: his rubbing days are o'er;

"But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array,

"And lords and ladies join the train, upon his 'Settling Day.'

"They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed,

"That they can read before they speak, and write before they read:

"They're wiser than their grandmothers! you hear the people say,

"I can't survive this awful shock;—this cruel 'Settling Day.'"

While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore,

And much I strove to comfort her, when she had given o'er;

I begg'd of her to list to me, and I'd be bound to say,

Some snug abuses I would find, without a "Settling Day."

For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret;

To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet:

At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way,

And holes and corners dark enough, without a "Settling Day."

I bade her look at Temple Bar,—that venerable pile;

Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a smile

She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say:

"I hope for that dear obstacle there'll be no 'Settling Day.'"

Tho' St. John Long (I said) is gone,—that curer of all ills,—

We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills;

Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array,

A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry "Settling Day."

I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell:

But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's bell;

Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray;

Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a "Settling Day."

My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go;

"We'll meet again," she said, "and then I'll tell you all my woe:

"You have not heard a twentieth part; but you'll no longer stay."

She vanish'd straight; but all too late;—I lost my "Settling Day."