"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom.
"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven a service in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle, they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promised us."
"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general; but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all at liberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how they took to their heels." An end was put to this dialogue by the commander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as he said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them for their valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account of the wonderful exploits each had performed,-all of which were proceeded with to his entire satisfaction.
When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who was not a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. And though they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogether presented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had he in all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this compliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, were well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter.
"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can perform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. "And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing exactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more than one New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of the most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-looking man, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander, who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers being satisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports, which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowing descriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, and which, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York dance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love for latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them a huge quantity of it." And this so satisfied the great Potter of his being a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that he gave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded by telling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted.
When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a special bearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken from the enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands of his wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he was engaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the head of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty soon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she might circulate among the neighbors.
And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the whole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting the purse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by a scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor natives on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of their all.
Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that, feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night again found him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reached on the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have made such shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although the general would have it that the mission of his army was to reform the nation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake.
Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted him to the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only two hundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had ever been his good fortune to know. The general found this army encamped within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wisely kept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrels had afforded them the means of activity necessary to the good condition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they were daily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the perfection of an army of extermination. And now that these two wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves to the exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. In fine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain of compliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world in general, and for themselves in particular. And while all these ceremonies were being performed to the great delight of the recipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts' content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying their inclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continued plundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seen in their yards nor a banana in their fields.
Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left to riot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining General Potter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a confused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of the guard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report, that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in the outskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of the windows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outposts we approached to the very window, and looking in discovered eleven priests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. And after praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, and saying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when they had gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees, commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And this I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged our overthrow." Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests, their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and their countenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched into the camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and have brought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, making a bow as he withdrew.