SCOTCH, THE
An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences of sporting occasions.
"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently painted won by the breadth of the coat of paint."
"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was one in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of his nose."
"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the Scotch."
Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny. The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead beside the slot machine.
Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes.
"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald.