PSYCHOPHILOPHRENOPHYSIOGNOMY.
(Some further Wrinkles by an Amateur Delineator.)
["A hint as to the manner you look at people, when delineating them for your own purpose, so that they should not be cognisant you are taking mental notes. Never stare at anyone straight in the face; and if whilst looking you should catch your subject's eye, quickly avert your gaze without moving to something about them that they may be wearing, or to the next person; you may for the moment appear to be looking into vacancy, or making a mental calculation, without staring at anything in particular."—Professor O., in a weekly journal.]
To be a successful delineator you should cultivate the art of squinting. Do this readily and naturally, without any apparent effort. This completely baffles the subject, for even if you catch his eye, you may safely defy him to catch yours. Beside, it economises time. In a crowd you can often thus kill two birds with one stone, or stony stare. If, however, nature has denied you this accomplishment, instead of squinting, you may wink the other eye. But this is sometimes misconstrued, as it has a rather challenging effect. You may find yourself (if the subject is a lady) head over ears in a flirtation—or in a somersault down the stairs—according to circumstances, before you know where you are.
Acquire the habit of taking physiognomical snap-shots. Practise this until, by merely glancing at a person in a good light for, say the twentieth of a second, you can secure a mental picture of his or her character, habits, and hobbies. You can develop and intensify, if necessary, these useful little views at home, bringing out further details as to the subject's bank-balance, latest affaire de cœur, or number of first-cousins-once-removed. All these points can be elucidated with a little patience and imagination.
Always, in conversing with a chance acquaintance you may meet in the street, gaze steadily at the brim of his hat, or study his necktie with a fixed and critical stare. This will make him think there is something wrong. He will fidget, and become nervous, revealing the inmost secrets of his soul. You then easily bag your instantaneous view, and depart abruptly with triumph. He will cut you dead next time, but that doesn't matter. You have added him to your collection, and can sail in quest of fresh specimens.
Some ladies rather like their new bonnets being examined. Learn, therefore, to do this with respectful admiration, and be prepared with an instant and favourable criticism. It is as well to master a few technical terms, so as to avoid, for example, confusing an aigrette with a toque.
If, on the other hand, your lady victims resent their head-gear or hair-dye being too closely examined, you must fall back on mental arithmetic. Calculate how many barleycorns it would take to go round the equator, or how many white beans there are in five black ones. If these sums are too hard to be done on the spur of the moment, work them out at home, and learn the results by heart, before sallying forth on your head-hunting expeditions.
Never ask a policeman without scanning narrowly his features, nor, if sitting behind a 'bus-driver, omit to secure his profile. Interview every crossing-sweeper you pass. Organ-grinders, also, are fairly inexpensive material to work upon. All these common objects are readily accessible, and frequently prove perfect mines of character, if you only dig deep enough below the surface. But the earnest explorer will find the countenances of cabmen to be the most remunerative phreno-physiognomical studies. Never mind their remarks if you can enrich your note-book with some hitherto undiscovered trait of human nature, with the inner meaning of some mysterious wrinkle, or with the true poetry of a wayward wart. Return home happy if the day's achievements include the decipherment of a mole on a flower-girl's cheek, or the translation of some rare tint of colour-music on the nose of some loafer near a pub.
Do not be content with the stores of face-reading lore that have been already acquired. Each day fresh secrets should be revealed. For instance, it has only recently been ascertained that one freckle on the tip of the nose means a disposition to borrow money without returning it; that three pimples in a row across the forehead indicate unpunctuality and insubordination; or that a droop of the left eyelid signifies habitual impecuniosity. It is still a moot point whether a nose can be both Quixotic and witty, and how to read a promiscuous eyebrow when combined with a constant upper lip. These, and many other mysteries, are waiting to be laid bare by the amateur but ardent face delineator.